Moving on

So I finally got my house keys back from my ex today.  I'm just waiting for him to move his fixer car and stuff out of my garage and then it's a life free from him again.

I think when you're in and out of a relationship with someone for all those years, there's a part of you that always has the "maybe I'll give him another chance" notion.  I think out of all my relationships, I've given R the most chances and patience.  That being said, I finally reached my limit this time and sought out better for myself.  Although we had the basics in common (i.e. religion, race, etc), and loved each other, it just wasn't enough for me anymore.  He didn't do anything or say anything wrong, he just didn't do or say anything period.  Having a common background and interests are important, but I have now realized that having a connection, a deep-down, multi-faceted attraction and common wavelength, far superceeds the basics.

I used to have a mental list of qualities I wanted in a man.  Race or ethnicity wasn't that important, but having common religion, a similar set of values and education was (the list was obviously longer).  I wanted a man who would fit these criteria.  I've dated a couple of men within the past year that looked good in comparison to the list (surgeon, scientist, stock broker) but none worked out because I didn't feel that connection.  I think I only tried with R this time because we became friends again and because I was trying to heal from a breakup.

Ironically, the only one I felt the most for was a person that didn't exactly come in the package I was expecting.  I met him on a plane ride home and felt that instant attraction to him.  He wrote me a note on the plane that he didn't give me until we landed, but by then we were already engaged in conversation.  Our connection was strong and intense and we moved rather quickly, but it felt right. He even met my family.  Life got in the way and we didn't work out, but I still look fondly back on our brief time together and wonder what could've been from time to time.  Wherever he is, I wish him well and hope that he is happy and content.

I know the coming weeks will be a little stressful with R moving his things out and me trying not to become weak and allow him to continue to be a part of me.  I think it's about time I get him out of my life permanently.  We've been through eight years of tears and sadness...of laughter and change.  I've learned a great deal about myself through our time together and I'm thankful, but at this point in my life, it's better that he become a memory that a presence.  There's something wrong with a relationship if you keep anticipating the next let-down, if the everyday disappointments become expected and if his failures in life are against your core values but become moot because "that's just how he is." 

How funny. He just text me right now, trying to be sweet. Oh well.  I expected as much. Take it away Arthur Miller!

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.
Arthur Miller

Japan

I recently found out I was picked to volunteer in Japan and will be leaving in early July to assist with the relief effort in Ofunato! 

This is huge for me...I am part Japanese but never got to connect with that side of me.  My paternal grandmother was full blooded Japanese living in Philippines with her parents and brother. She met my grandfather and soon fell in love and married.  World War II started a few years later, and despite helping many Filipinos escape the Japanese prisons, one of them turned her in as a Japanese national, and the Philippine Army imprisoned her into a camp for the Japanese. My grandpa followed her and stayed outside each camp she was transferred to.  My grandparents lost one child during the war and two after, leaving them with six children.  She tried to find her father and brother after being released, but they were never found. Our family in Japan were unfortunately located in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and to this day, we know of none that survived the atomic bombings. 

I've never met my paternal grandmother, but everyone who's met her tells me I look a great deal like her.  My father doesn't like talking about what my grandma went through because it's too painful for him.  I wish I could get more history from him, but I'm sure my dad will reveal more once he's ready.  In the interim, going to Japan makes me feel somewhat connected to her and the family I never met. 

And, I'm hoping that finding this part of me will somehow help me make a decision on where to settle down.  I love living in Sacramento, but I also feel like a part of me was left when I moved out of San Francisco, and an even larger part of me is in Boston. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!